You told me to go back to the beginning… so I have.

I am a sucker for princess bride quotes and movie quotes in general. Perhaps, because I find words can change everything, momentary sentences can change perspectives.  When I was in college finishing a diploma I didn’t want to be in anymore the class my “careers” teacher said, “We are all works in progress…you will never be perfect but that’s the great part of life. We are all always evolving.”

That sentence was the first time I felt okay with my “problems”. I have spent majority of my life trying to figure out whats wrong with my personality. How to fix my personality. How to be not me. It has lead me to feel very insecure and negatively impacted my relationships around me. Those who recognized this have used it to their advantage and helped me complete my self-fulfilling prophecy by telling me there IS something wrong with me. Furthering my “evidence”. Others determined they didn’t have time for me and left me. I don’t blame either. My need to feel secure and my desire for a connection with others has been unhealthily manifesting itself through my actions. My inability to construct boundaries within my relationships with others has fed into my insecurities. Every relationship, family, friends, partners, results in me waiting for them to find that thing they hate about me and leave me. When it happens inevitably because I am expecting it to, then I have my “proof” there is something wrong with me and I fall into a depression and feel unsure how to escape myself.

I stopped blogging because I was afraid I was going to fail-out of my program. I was scared I would have to write a post saying “Hey so remember when I had all these hopes and dreams?!? yeah….well I failed”. I would then have a heap of people who knew not only did I have a horrible personality but I also wasn’t very intelligent. I spent the first year of my program waiting for someone to realize they made a mistake when they let me in. I fell through the cracks and they only just realized and now I need to leave. Insane thought process but I actually felt like one day my friends may realize I had been faking it all along. When I do well on exams, or when I do alright, I usually say, “I got lucky with the questions I got asked”. I spend the rest of the time terrified thinking, what if I don’t get lucky again? Will I have to go back to Canada and face those who told me I wasn’t good enough and told me I was making the worst decision of my life? To many what ifs, right?

I am starting to realize I need to give a little bit less of a fuck and accept I will eventually make a mistake but it wont be the end of the world. Do I always know what I am doing? No, but I work really hard. Is everyone always going to like me? No, but that maybe means I am just the kind of awesome they don’t find awesome. Other people will find my awesome, awesome. AND guess what? I am actually doing really really well in school and haven’t even been close to needing a supplementary exam.

So while I begin my “Self-discovery” (despite that term making me want to yak) and get back into getting huge by lifting big, you’re free to watch me fuck up sometimes and succeed sometimes.

So fuck yes. Let’s blog. See you soon.

Positive Lifting, Positive Thinking, Positive Life

All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.

Mitch Albom

This month marks the opening of the door to the next chapter of my life and the closing of the door of the last chapter. With this in mind it felt like the perfect time to re-start my blog and I figured I would start with an update of my life.

I have recently accepted my offer to start school in Australia in the Osteopathy program. This means I will be in Melbourne, Australia for the next 5 years as I become an Osteopathic Doctor (If you know me at all and this concept is making you feel weird…join the damn club). This is the biggest decisions I have ever made thus far in my life and it is hella big.

I left Canada for Australia one January 23, 2013 –somewhat– ready for an adventure. I will be honest, I didn’t really plan my trip too much, nor did I really understand what I was about to embark on. I only knew I needed a change; my life was becoming somewhat uncomfortably comfortable. I had all the freedom in the world and yet I felt trapped.  When I packed my bag to come out to Australia 10 months ago, I had never intended to stay out here for more than 4 months let alone plan to live here for half a decade.


Arriving to Sydney, Australia…check out the bag

As I close that metaphorical door on the life back home I am feeling nostalgic and homesick for my life in Canada. As someone who has in the past relied heavily on the support system of my family back home, being on the other side of the world has been extremely difficult. Knowing I will be missing events, experiences and time with them for five years is more than overwhelming. However, I have been learning that I needed/need this experience for my own personal growth. I am not in the place I expect to be at my age and I am beginning to learn that is perhaps a good thing.

When growing up I felt like there was this mythical place called “adulthood” and eventually I would get there. I imagined almost a transition hut where you would enter as a teenager, get a makeover and then emerge as a fully functioning adult. I have begun to realize that being an adult is just you, feeling like you are still 15 years old and then suddenly expected to figure out how life works. There’s no guide book, and there isn’t a right way to do things. You just exist. This thought is terrifying and likely why nobody tells you this when you’re little.

People ask you, “what you want to be when you’re an adult?” and as you tell them your dreams, you imagine yourself wearing oversized cookie-cutter outfits of a fireman, doctor, lawyer, and writer (mine was the latter). It took me much longer to realize there were so many other things you could be, that becoming something did not need to happen right away, that these things you could be did not define you as a human. Most importantly I am learning that it definitely isn’t perfectly smooth process. If only I had understood earlier that life doesn’t get less scary as you age, you just get more experienced dealing with the scary.

Until now I haven’t really been forced to figure myself out. I have been working since I was 13 and never been afraid of hard work or getting dirty. I have lived away from home when I did my Bachelor of Arts, had roommates, lived with a boyfriend, fed myself and did my laundry. These things are usually representative of being an adult  but not representative of figuring out what makes up “you”. Being on the other side of the world away from everything you are used to, makes you figure out “you” because that’s all you have. In Australia my accent makes me stand out, I don’t know some of the local terminology, I still forget which direction the cars are going to come down the road. When I arrived in Australia I knew very few people. In this situation you learn how to reach out and grab a hold of the world around you. I uprooted my entire life, flew across the country and started all over again. It is some pretty scary fucking stuff and yet I have loved every happy, horrible, awesome, terrifying moment.

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fears realized.

Conan O’Brien

Every day I feel like I begin to understand this quote a little bit more. My anxiety has held me back in many situations and I have not taken opportunities I should have because of it. As someone who fears the uncontrollable and the discomfort of the unknown, I am beginning to learn that these issues are best dealt with head on. The quote above represents just that to me. Learning to look your demons straight in the eyes and take it all in. Don’t let the fear cause you to freeze or throw you into a sobbing ball. Life isn’t always going to be perfect but that’s how you grow and learn. The worst will never be as bad as you think and at the end of the day you have one life, do you want to spend it scared of what could happen? Fearing how things will turn out badly? Or do you want to chase down happiness, tackle it to the floor, cut your knee and giggle until your stomach hurts?

photo 3

45 Kg Snatch

I think that is why I enjoy (and likely why many others enjoy) lifting so much. It represents a physical demon that you can see, feel, and pick the fuck up. When I walked into CrossFit the first time as a “chronic cardio” girl I was terrified. I almost walked the other way 3 times on my way to the box and then stood for 10 minutes outside in the freezing cold staring at it. Then I held my breath, lifted my chin, walked into the place that would help shape the next part of my life and haven’t looked back. I found out that lifting weights tested me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am a stubborn, hardworking, energetic, happy, sarcastic, deeply loving, and highly emotional person. These things and more are tested through lifting in ways I never expected.  Lifting and the community I have begun to be a part of has changed the way I view obstacles in life both physical and mental. Lifting makes me happy; it keeps my brain alive, my body excited and gives me the best social group of friends I could as for. I wouldn’t do it, if it didn’t make me smile so goddamn much.

So in a nutshell: I am a Canadian living in Melbourne Australia, I eat paleo, I lift big and eat big, I enjoy CrossFit and now have my CF-Level 1, I am going to be studying in school again, I live passionately, I wear my heart on my sleeve (Which I have been told is likely my biggest downfall) and I am learning to enjoy the journey and not focus on the end goal. My blog will encompass all these things and whatever else I feel like. Whether it is just a place for me sort out my thoughts or something someone else wants to read, who knows. But you are welcome to follow as I attempt to Feed The Right Wolf** and figure out…everything.

** An extremely good friend introduced me to this story and I think about it almost daily. You are the one in control of which wolf you feed and therefore how you will react to life.

The Story of Two Wolves

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he told the young boy, “a terrible fight between two wolves.  One is evil, full of anger, sorrow, regret, greed, self-pity and false pride.  The other is good, full of joy, peace, love, humility, kindness and faith.”

“This same fight is going on inside of you, grandson…and inside of every other person on this earth.”

The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asks, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?”

The old man smiled and simply said,

“The one you feed.”

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